As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
