Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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