I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
