I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's blow job season.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
