guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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