hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
