just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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