i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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