Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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