we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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