Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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