I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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