I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
