apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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