I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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