and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
