happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I am available for nakedness
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
