Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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