My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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