After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
