shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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