dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
