I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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