I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
