Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
