Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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