oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
