My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
In America we eat man semen.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
