i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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