The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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