I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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