This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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