Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
