You're my little dorito
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
