Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
