my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
