please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
