I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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