I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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