if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize