i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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