Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
