she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
