My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
