And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
