im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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