I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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