why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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