If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
