if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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