just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
