hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
