she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I met the friendliest cop last night
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
